She had trouble catching her breath as she stood facing the judge.
Sandwiched between two Crown prosecutors, the young woman straightened then turned and looked directly at the man who had sexually abused her for six years.
“To the person that was once my father,” she began, “I don’t hate you. I hate what you did. I hate that you were selfish. I hate that you put your own needs first.”
“And,” the 21-year-old said, “I would like you to look at me.”
The accused showed no emotion as his victims’ statements were read in court. Dressed in black and wearing leg shackles, the man glared at the gallery and was seen repeatedly making hand gestures at family members.
The Evansburg-area father has pleaded guilty to sexually abusing his three daughters for years. He also admitted he made pornographic videos involving his girls and on two occasions allowed other men to sexually assault his middle daughter while he watched. One of those assaults was videotaped.
The names of all family members are protected by a publication ban.
The middle daughter, now 21, defiantly told the court she recently graduated from college, despite once being told by her father she wasn’t allowed to do so.
According to an agreed statement of facts, her father began to sexually abuse her shortly after her 12th birthday. She told the court that’s when she began to have nightmares and visions of demons.
“I have realized since that the demon that I dreamed of was actually you, terrorizing my innocence,” she said to her father. “No child should ever have to go through that kind of pain.”
She was sexually abused for six years, until she turned 18.
“I still struggle day to day knowing that you are a monster,” she said.
It was the brother of the accused who finally tipped off RCMP in October 2016. He also delivered a victim impact statement on Friday, calling his brother’s behaviour morally reprehensible and heinous.
“You forced your kids and wife to live in fear, even terror of you,” he said. “You preyed on them with cold calculation. Each one of your kids suffered at your hands.”
‘I always reek of sadness’
The youngest daughter broke down repeatedly as she asked those in the courtroom to imagine living with the kind of terror she has known.
“This is the chance to tell my story and the chance to be heard,” she said.
“I always reek of sadness. I am worthless. I am pathetic. I don’t deserve to live. These are the words I say to myself right before I slit my wrists or my upper thighs.”
She said self-harming gives her a brief sense of control after a childhood filled with so much abuse and too many rules.
I was only allowed to leave my house on Wednesday. – Sex abuse victim
“Growing up, I was only allowed to leave my house on Wednesday,” she said. “We were not allowed to spend more than 45 minutes in our bedroom per day.”
She said she thought of her father as a violent animal who could turn on her at any moment.
“I thought it was normal to be abused, because that is what I was raised around,” she said. “[Him] hitting people every five minutes.”
The 17-year-old revealed she’s prone to panic attacks and is often afraid to leave the house.
“I lost 14 years of my childhood,” she said. “I can move forward but I will never forget. I deserved better and so did my family. I deserved a father that loved me.”
When her turn came, the oldest daughter, now 22, stood surrounded by her siblings and mother as the prosecutor read the young woman’s victim impact statement. The family formed a tight, protective ring around her.
“I’m not normal,” her statement said. “I feel like I’ll never be normal and it’s his fault. He’s wrecked me.”
Her statement mentioned the way her father justified the sexual abuse.
“He wanted us to learn from him and explained that in the olden days people would learn this from their parents,” she wrote. “It felt so weird. Wrong and uncomfortable. But at the same time, a part of me hoped this was normal and maybe other girls have to do it because it’s a tradition from the olden days.”
‘I feel so ashamed’
The accused and his wife are now divorced. Hers was the last victim impact statement read aloud in court. Once again, her family encircled her and linked arms as the Crown read the statement.
“I am in such disbelief that he did his to my babies,” she wrote. “I feel so ashamed that I didn’t know what was happening, so I couldn’t help my children.”
According to the agreed statement of facts, the mother often worked night shifts and would be out of the house between midnight and 8 a.m., along with many weekends. That’s when the sexual abuse took place.
“I keep telling myself I should have known,” she wrote. “I should have done something. I feel disgusted in myself.”
In her statement, the woman said she often breaks down at work, sometimes crying so hard her manager has to send her home.
“It’s like I can never stop crying. I cry in the shower, I cry watching TV. I cry all of the time.”
The sentencing hearing will continue in mid-September with submissions from the Crown and defence.
The accused has been in custody since Nov. 18, 2016.
In July 2017, Edmonton Remand Centre staff were told the man was in danger of being attacked by other inmates, so he was put into protective custody. He remains on lockup 23 hours every day.
When he is sentenced, the accused will get 2.75 days credit for each day served in protective custody.
“I can’t imagine ever feeling safe if he gets out of prison,” the youngest daughter said in her statement. “He is good with guns.”